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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383078">Agnoscis</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merusiam/pseuds/Merusiam'>Merusiam</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Equilibrium Series [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Grand Marshal Armitage Hux, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentioned Brendol Hux, Mentioned Enric Pryde, Past Abuse, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Slow Burn, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Dark Side of the Force, The First Order Wins (Star Wars), The Force</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:55:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383078</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merusiam/pseuds/Merusiam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey, who Kylo thought to be his perfect counterpart, dies and nothing changes.</p><p>Kylo feels confused and misguided by the Force, changed he returns to the Finalizer and throws himself into isolation.</p><p>But why is he feeling someone suffering through the Force?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Equilibrium Series [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Agnoscis</strong>  <br/><em>Verb<br/>to recognize<br/>to detect</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Darkness. Cold stone against his cheeks. Musty, damp air flooding his nose. And then his mind telling him to wake up, to come back from the feverish, hasty dreams he already starts to forget as his eyes flutter. At first he can’t see, his consciousness overwhelmed by the regained senses. His fingers moved, automatically, feeling the sleek surface and small broken off stones.<br/>Where was he?<br/>Who was he?<br/>For a few short moments he was confused, laying there, on the stone floor with his head down. But then, the puzzle began to settle.<br/>This place...this was Exegol. And he was Kylo, Kylo Ren.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And he was alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For some inexplicable reason he was alive. Had it been the Force? Ren tried to move and it worked, but the pain was overwhelming. How many bones in his body were probably broken he didn’t even try to think about - the healing process would be anything but fun.<br/>He got to his knees and looked around. Palpatine had been killed, in his last efforts together with the scavenger girl. <br/>The scavenger girl! Rey!<br/>He turned around hastily, trying to spot her, when he saw a body lying on the ground, not too far from him. Panic rose in him as he tried in his best efforts to crawl to her. Touching her arm, he feared the worst, but when he saw her pale, lifeless face, he knew. He sat back and stared at her. Rey was dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sat back and a sigh escaped him. He should feel something, shouldn’t he? Sadness. Grief. His balance had just died and was laying in front of him. But he felt nothing about it? The Force in him wasn’t roaring and raging, instead it was oddly silent.<br/>Everything was silent. Inside and out. Emptiness.<br/>And so he sat there, staring at the scavenger girl’s lifeless body, for a while.<br/>He didn’t understand, he had been so sure that she was the one completing him, making him more powerful as he ever was. Making him the most powerful Force user in the whole galaxy.<br/>But how would that have worked anyway? He was set on making The First Order the greatest organisation to have ever existed, to bring order to the universe. <br/>Rey would have opposed him, every step of the way. So what success would it really have been, in the end?<br/>A strange feeling grabbed onto him and he recognized it to be relief. Relief, that she was dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But how could that be? If she wasn’t the one completing him, who was? It had to be someone, someone he didn’t recognize to be his perfect counterpart, he realized, otherwise he wouldn’t have gained such power as he did the last couple of months.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt confused, powerless and left alone by the Force.<br/>He had to get away. Away from Exegol, away from the farce that was the scavenger girl.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo Ren fled the planet in a haste, with the ship the girl had left there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When arriving at the <em>Finalizer</em> he did expect to be welcomed by a committee of stormtroopers and perhaps some First Order officers that had survived, but when he jumped out of the ship in his best efforts to hide the pain he was in he was greeted by the sour face of none other than General Hux. <br/>Kylo wouldn’t particularly say that he was surprised that the General was still alive. Hux was like a ferret, slipping through each and everyone’s hands that wanted him dead. But at this particular moment Kylo really wished that someone had blasted this red ferret.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Supreme Leader, how fortunate to see you alive”, the obvious distaste for what he was saying borderlined sarcasm. Kylo could very well tell that Hux was as displeased with Ren's survival as Kylo was with Hux’s. And Kylo was very honest with himself in that he wanted to do anything in this particular moment rather than speak with Hux.<br/>So he gave the General a single stare.<br/>Hux looked rough around the edges.<br/>And then he shoved past him, leaving him in the hangar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Back in his quarters Kylo locked the doors and dimmed the lights. He needed to meditate, find out what was going on. What was even going on? Where was the Force in this? There were no signals, no nuances, no signs and visions, nothing that could help him figure things out. And what was messing with his mind was that he still felt strong, powerful even, despite his injuries. When he sat down to feel inside himself he could sense the Force, flowing evenly, like a powerful river. The currents didn’t seem to break even though the scavenger girl had passed.<br/>Had he been so wrong?<br/>After all this time, a time he had been so sure to have found his counterpart that on top of it balanced his Equilibrium, his judgements turned out to be wrong? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>No, it couldn’t be. How could it be?<br/>Kylo swayed between denial and disbelief. He didn’t notice that hours had gone by.<br/>The sound of his datapad receiving a message ripped him out of his thoughts. Disoriented he grabbed it to see what had been sent. Of course, the message was from Hux. Kylo couldn’t muster up the mental energy to be the Supreme Leader right now, so, without reading it, deleted the message. <br/>The pause gave him a breather to go back to the start. Had there been signs that the girl hadn’t been his Force counterpart? It would’ve made perfect sense. The Force had been powerful in her, she had a strong will and was determined in her ambitions. Wasn’t swayed by Kylo’s attempts to join the Dark Side. So naturally, Kylo assumed it had to be her. That she was the one bettering him and making him the strongest Force user to be. But wouldn’t she have grown with him? Wouldn’t she have been this constant opposing force that stood against him? Now that he thought about it, wouldn’t that have weakened him?<br/>The Force was mysterious in its ways - would an opposing force strengthen or weaken him? He had always feared it would be the latter, which was the reason in his strong pursuit to have Rey convert to the Dark Side. But now that was irrelevant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His counterpart wasn’t Rey. But who was? The only thing he really knew was that this someone had to still be alive; otherwise the strong current of the Force in him wouldn’t be flowing, otherwise his Equilibrium would feel off.<br/>He remembered something, a feeling he had on Exegol. It was in the middle of the mad fight when he, for the shortest moment, felt as if the air was knocked out of his lungs. For this very short moment, the world had turned upside down. Something felt very, very wrong. But as soon as it came over him, the feeling was gone. Kylo had thought that it just was something to be blamed on the fighting he was doing at the time, which was only natural. But it had felt differently and he now, knowing that Rey wasn’t the one he was looking for, was sure that it had to do with the Force and his counterpart. <br/>What could it have been? <br/>Kylo knew that he wouldn’t find the answer that easily and it frustrated him.<br/>Everything about this frustrated him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Another sound emerged from his datapad. An annoyed sigh escaped his lips as he grabbed the pad and saw another message from General Hux popping up. It was insane to him that Hux in his situation could just continue doing what he was doing before as if nothing happened, considering all that went down. Kylo was very sure that Hux had been overrun at some point, he was well aware that Pryde had despised Hux and that the feeling was very much mutual - if either of them had had the chance to get rid of the other they would’ve done it.<br/>Hux didn’t look his best when they had met in the hangar. Something certainly went down between them because to his knowledge, Pryde was dead, torn to pieces, burnt to a crisp in the now destroyed <em>Steadfast</em>. Pryde was a vile, but smart man. He could’ve saved himself, if he had wanted to.<br/>And Hux just carried on. <br/>His message read something like “...as previously mentioned…” and a lot of “...to rebuild…”. Kylo really didn’t want anything to do with it, for now at least. His issues haven’t been solved and there was still this emptiness inside him that could only be filled by finally knowing who the missing link was. He could only imagine what it would be like to know who completed him, to hug them and know that from that point on he would rule, balanced and strong, in the galaxy. He couldn’t do that now, he just couldn’t.<br/>But he did acknowledge that the First Order couldn’t be left abandoned in the time he had to focus on himself and the Force. As annoying as Hux was, he was right in his message, rebuild was important.<br/>And Kylo hated relying on people he didn’t know.<br/>He knew what step was next to take; it was like biting into a sour apple, but it was a bite he unfortunately had to take.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo sat down with his datapad and began to phrase out General Hux’s promotion to Grand Marshal. He kind of hated it, hated giving Hux this much power. But as bad as it sounded to Kylo, Hux was the only one he could rely on in these times.<br/>He just hoped that Hux would understand the underlying message that came with the promotion, that he, Hux, had to take the helm for a while. It made Kylo almost physically cringe at the thought, but he felt like he had no choice.<br/>Kylo sighed again and sent out the promotion.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Time passed. Kylo didn’t know how much time and he didn’t care. Maybe a few weeks? Things were going smoothly enough - Hux sent a lot of messages and inquiries, asked to meet him several times, but Kylo didn’t have the nerves to do it. Hux’s proposals about the rebuild of the First Order all seemed smart and calculated to Kylo, so he agreed to most of them over message. The rest of the time he spent meditating, contemplating, listening to himself and the Force.<br/>But it didn’t seem to lead anywhere, there was no change in the Force and he simply couldn’t find the answer to his questions. It was fucked, Kylo thought.<br/>His counterpart could be everywhere, everywhere in the whole entire universe. How would he be able to find them? If it again was someone like Rey, a poor scavenger girl on some lonely desert planet, his chances minimal. It could take a lifetime to find them.<br/>He hated it, but all he could do was wait and listen to the Force, to find a clue.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A clue. Kylo was meditating the first time it happened. He wouldn’t have been able to tell what day of the week it was or what exact time. It had to be some time past midnight.<br/>He was feeling the Force, breathing evenly, when in the silence of everything - </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“...pd….by”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At first, Kylo didn’t even notice it, that faint it whispered through the intricates of the flow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“...id….boy”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What? <br/>“Boy?”, he muttered, confused. What was he hearing? It traveled through the flows of the Force, but felt more like a branch traveling with the water down the stream, rather than it being a tide.<br/>And then he felt and heard it at the same time.<br/>Suddenly a scream, piercing, grueling, in the distance from the lungs of a man. No, a boy. No...a man? Then a boy again.<br/>A sharp pain went through his spine, short, sudden and left Kylo paralyzed for a whole second. Unforgiving and old pain.<br/>Abruptly the scream stopped.<br/>The pain faded.<br/>Kylo gasped and opened his eyes, confused and broken out of his meditation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What was that? It was unlike everything he experienced before, but it felt eerily similar to when he forcefully entered other people’s mind to extract memories, like he did back with Resistance pilot. When he entered someone’s mind you also felt what they were feeling, along with their memories. Memories came at a price.<br/>But this didn’t particularly contain memories. Only a certain feeling. And why would it travel to Kylo, when memory extraction normally was such a painful ordeal to the Force user performing it - with him having to heavily concentrate on the person the memory was to be extracted from. This wasn’t something that felt given freely either - the person it radiated from did this unintentionally; it didn’t even have to be a Force user, Kylo determined.<br/>He felt confused.<br/>This was a movement in the Force, yes, but not the one he was looking for. <br/>Slightly unnerved he went to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Only for it to happen again the night after and the night after that. Screams and pain. On the third night, Kylo had prepared. <br/>This wasn’t something that could travel far with the Force, so the someone that was up so late at night, being so apparently miserable in his or her mind that it even yelled out through the Force to him, had to also be on the Finalizer.<br/>The small wave of the first whisper hit him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“...pd...by”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then the second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“...id...boy”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the pain started to hit him and the scream pierced his mind he held onto it with his mind and when it went, retreated, he tried his best to follow.<br/>It traveled, through the Finalizer, to the officer’s lounge and back into the mind of…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Hux?</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Green</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kylo tried for two whole cycles to ignore it. So what if Hux was suffering? Everyone had their demons, even a cold, tidied up military men like Hux.<br/>He didn’t want to acknowledge that he was surprised. It shook his view on that red haired, ruthless man. Kylo would never say it, barely even allowed himself to think it, but to him Hux had always seemed like someone who had their shit together, in their work and in their private life and for that he always had respected him in a weird way.<br/>Not that he knew what Hux’s private life looked like. He always kind of assumed that he didn’t have one and Kylo suspected this had to do with how Hux always presented himself. Organized, structured, working hard and expecting nothing less from others. Because of that, perhaps, Hux had seemed more like a machine, a body of the navy, then an actual human being with feelings and memories to haunt him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo had envied him. Hated him for it. His own feelings were often confusing and leading to his own demise. Back then he would’ve given a lot to be like Hux for one day, just to see what he would accomplish, just to see how much better he would be if he had control over his emotions. He knew he was quick to anger.<br/>But that had been in the beginning, when he had first met Hux and didn’t understand much about himself yet; he knew now that his emotions and especially his anger fueled the dark side of the Force, the one he fed off of. Anger was a good thing for him.<br/>But to his day he wondered if it weren’t just a little bit better if he was more balanced, not as impulsive. <br/>He had thought if he found his Equilibrium this was something that would be happening for him. He would feel complete, not lacking in the Force.</p>
<p>He had thought Rey would be that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The scream was sudden and short, hitting him out of nowhere. This time he did physically cringe.<br/>This had to end, whatever Hux was fighting had to end. Because if this continued Kylo never in a million years would be able to concentrate on the Force and Hux would go insane.<br/>Kylo was really annoyed about this.<br/>He really, really didn’t want to talk to Hux. He had been very comfortable in his quarters, in the dark and just the thought of the sour face of the ferret made everything in him revolt.</p>
<p>But he forced himself to get up and stomp out of the quarters.<br/>On the way to the officer’s lounge where Hux had apparently found his little hideout in these late hours Kylo had time to ponder a bit.<br/>It wasn’t Hux’s face per se that bothered him so much because objectively speaking Hux was a good looking man. Purely objectively, really. Pale skin, a strong jaw and green eyes could do a lot to some people. On top of that the red hair that had become a rarity, especially in the First Order where standing out wasn’t much appreciated.<br/>No, it was the strict, grim expression he had always clenched in his facial features that made talking to him unbearable. It always gave you the feeling of being unappreciated and not worth his time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo wondered how much softer he would look if he relaxed a little.<br/>Quickly, he pushed the thought aside. What was he thinking? It was still Hux he was picturing, for Force’s sake. The ferret. The ice block.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With that he walked through the door into the officer’s lounge. He spotted Hux immediately, sitting with his back turned to the entrance, staring through the panoramic window into space. He seemed to have startled a little because he got up quickly and turned towards Kylo, clear surprise written in his features. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Supreme Leader”, he said.<br/>Ah, that’s what he’d look like, Kylo thought. <br/>He looked so great in white. The uniform change to somewhat appease the remaining Imperialists in the First Order was a great idea.<br/>Oh Force, what was he thinking. What was he thinking?!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve been trying to contact you, these are important times and The First Order needs your presence”, Kylo wasn’t surprised at how quickly Hux regained posture. His back straightened and his face fell back into a stern mask.<br/>Kylo honestly hadn’t been thinking about what he would tell Hux in what he was doing and why he was doing it.<br/>It caught him off guard. Without giving it another thought he said:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I was busy”, and immediately knew it was the wrong answer for Hux.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Busy?”, he practically heard how Hux’s mood shifted, “Busy with what?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Damn, how was he supposed to say? Hux would never understand. This situation had suddenly grown into something very peculiar and Kylo knew that it didn’t matter anymore what he told Hux, it would only lead into the other being angry.<br/>So, the truth then, Kylo thought, but packaged nicely and not everything of it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“With the force. It had been calling me after Exegol. I had to figure out what it all meant”, he wandered towards the panoramic window, to not see Hux’s sour face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The Force?”, oh yes, Hux was angry.</p>
<p>“The Force?! The First Order is in the first stages of rebuilding, in this particular moment we’re assailable to any larger attack. Even if The Resistance has fallen there are still organisations out there that are potential threats to our new beginnings! Everything we do now is vital!<br/>And you, Supreme Leader, hide in the quarters and can’t even nod off a single order in person!”, Hux cursed him out like a child and he was right in everything he said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo turned and forced himself to look into the furious features that played out on Hux’s face. He was sure the ferret was working hard and working a lot, just to keep the First Order running. He was still young, perhaps as young as himself, and Kylo always saw it when Hux was angry. He was asking a lot of Hux. Not many higher ranking officers had survived the battle of Exegol and the First Order lacked personnel; the amount Hux was probably taking into his own hands must be overbearing at times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hux’s face twitched in pure and honest irritation.<br/>“The kriffing Force. Mystical bullshit”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo couldn’t bring himself to be offended by this. If he had been in Hux’s place, he would probably would’ve felt the same. But Hux had to be very drained to be this irritated and angry about Kylo and the Force - in the past he had been a lot more patient.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Kylo could hold himself back, he heard himself say:<br/>“Are you well, Hux?”<br/>Ah, he won’t like that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hux, who had wandered around the room, whirled his head around. Green eyes furiously bore into his.</p>
<p>“As if you cared for my well-being, <em>Supreme Leader</em> ”</p>
<p>Oh yes, he most definitely didn’t like that.<br/>And he most definitely wasn’t well, judging by his impulsive responses and how he looked, now that he stood closer to Kylo. His eyes were red and dark circles framed them, his face in general seemed caved in.<br/>Kylo had to find the reason for him being so miserable and knew that Hux won’t talk about it if he asked. Would sound ridiculous anyway. The only way to get Hux talking was by getting him angry. So Kylo decided to provoke him a little bit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, Hux, I was under the impression that despite my focus on the Force you would be able to handle everything”, that would most definitely set him off.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Everything is going after plan or are you questioning my competence?”, oh yes, if Hux despised something then people and <em>especially Kylo</em> questioning his leadership.<br/>He got him. <br/>Now to the chase.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I never question your competence. I question your mental state. I can practically hear you all day and night. Delegate or do something, but ease your mind, Hux”, more Kylo really couldn’t do. Hux had to work on himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He heard Hux snort. Through the Force he felt Hux basically giving up.<br/>“Great to know you ransack my mind, Ren. If it bothers you so much, just stay out of it”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course Hux would say that. It seemed like this was something Hux had always been paranoid of, of all the powers Kylo possessed this was the one that Hux was most afraid of. Which Kylo always thought to be weird, he could choke Hux to death or split him in half with his lightsaber, but that never seemed to bother him. <br/>But reading his mind? The most scary thing ever, apparently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t”, Kylo again turned to Hux and decided to be honest, “You’re just so miserable it basically screams out to me”<br/>Quite literally.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That seemed to stun Hux. His eyes widened and mouth dropped open, as if to say something, as if he was a small child that had just been caught stealing cookies.<br/>His features softened.<br/>Fuck, he really was beautiful, wasn’t he.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh kriffing Force, he had to get away. Away from Hux.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Get some sleep Hux, I need my Grand Marshal well rested”, a pathetic exit, really.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With that he stormed out of the lounge.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What was up with him? Never in his entire time of knowing and working with Hux had he ever had such thoughts. Yeah, Hux was a good looking man, as much he had admitted at the beginning. <br/>Kylo liked men. Kylo liked women. Everything about that was fine and well, but this was kriffing Hux! Stiff, bitter, cold Hux!<br/>He didn’t want this. He didn’t want these thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Flustered, he stormed through the corridors until he reached his quarters. The comfortable dark consumed him and he forced himself to breath deep and slowly.<br/>No need to get so much into his own head. Maybe he needed some sleep himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo took off his clothes he felt like he had worn for way too long anway and slipped under the dark and heavy covers of his bed.<br/>But sleep wouldn’t come to him. Again and again he thought back to that conversation he had with Hux in that lounge.<br/>Why in the world would he have such thoughts about him now? Why would his mind want to distract him so much?<br/>He felt like a teenager again, filled with an overload on hormones.<br/>Just the image of Hux that ghosted around in his mind -  red, fiery hair, green, pale eyes. The image of Hux’s lips around his -</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No, no! He shook himself and sat up, staring into the dark.<br/>It had to be like this now, huh. Perhaps now the problem of Hux’s thoughts screaming out to him through the Force were solved, but an entirely new, unexpected problem had opened up to him that would most definitely distract him from any search through the Force.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Him being horny for Hux.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a sigh he layed back down.<br/>He felt pathetic admitting it. <br/>Felt even more pathetic when he let his hand slide down to his cock.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After Kylo was done he felt disgusted with himself. This wasn’t him. This couldn’t be him.<br/>He most definitely needed some sort of distraction, perhaps with him being so isolated for weeks with his only contact being Hux had caused this.<br/>Yes, this had to be it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had to get out again, let his anger and frustrations play out a bit. Let steam off. He would simply forget about Hux.<br/>Plus, this also was a useful thing for the First Order. Even if they had technically won the battle of Exegol and reduced the Resistance to a minimum, the past had shown that the Resistance was a stubborn and annoying accumulation of people and that would never give up if Kylo wouldn’t kill every single one of them with his bare hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And this was something he was now planning on doing. Hux, in one of the countless messages he had sent in the past weeks,  had attached one or two had files of possible Resistance whereabouts, little nests with small fractions that could be dealt with one by one.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe killing would ban those damned green eyes from his mind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah yes, Kylo struggeling with himself and his emotions yet again.</p>
<p>Hoped you liked this chapter!</p>
<p>Always happy about comments.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Right</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am very sorry this took so long to make. Explanation at the end of the chapter below. Enjoy anyway.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In his lifetime, Kylo has often dabbled in addicting, intoxicating things. Smoking, but tobacco was rare and unexciting. Alcohol made him more angry and confident, but he soon learned to regret the mornings after, so he now just had a glass here and there.<br/>Gambling maybe, when he felt like it, but found that it had been way too easy to manipulate with the abilities he had; and Kylo really wasn’t a man that played fair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But what had him hooked, in his grasp, was killing. The rush before it was happening, the excitement and adrenaline when he killed and the absolute satisfaction when he was done, standing in a field of corpses - life fading into the abyss. It made him feel powerful - he and only he could decide if someone lived or died. Absolute control.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The aircraft was shaking when it hit the atmosphere of the lone planet on the brink of First Order territory, stormtroopers sitting on benches, white uniforms clattering, did their best not to fall over. Technically Kylo didn’t need the stormtroopers, but in a way of bureaucracy it was now a requirement for him and every other important First Order official to have a minimum of a dozen of them on every mission.<br/>Kinda stupid, probably Hux’s idea. <br/>The planet had no name, merely numbers and letters for identification, was ridiculously small and hosted an approximate of 25 resistance members. Why they thought a planet covered with meadows was the perfect hideout was beyond him. But so be it, it made it easier for him. The aircraft shook again when it landed. The hatch opened and the stormtroopers dutifully marched outside, beginning to clear the area. As far as the First Order knew the Resistance had built underground makeshift bunkers on this planet, so Kylo tried to sense heightened activity in a certain area to perhaps find an entrance.<br/>He felt them through the Force. They were scared. He just had to find them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It only took minutes to find a hatch between two hills - it had been cleverly hidden, but not well enough, at least not for someone who had the Force on their side. He ordered one of the Stormtroopers to join him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are there smoke bombs at your disposal?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Supreme Leader”, the Stormtrooper answered, voice distorted by the white helmet.</p>
<p>“Put a few down there. I want to smoke the filth out of their dirty holes”</p>
<p>“Yes, right away, Supreme Leader” and with that the Stormtrooper jogged back.<br/>Shortly after smoke filled the air, wandering in the tunnels below. <br/>Screaming and yelling followed. One Resistance member after another fled out of different hatches, coughing and gasping for air.<br/>Kylo ignited his lightsaber - this would be an easy task.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Slicing, stabbing, the smell of burnt flesh and screams of death. Stormtroopers shot those that he himself didn’t get. The Resistance members were painfully unprepared, probably due to a lack of time, and now suffered the consequences. <br/>Kylo was in a high, the high of killing.<br/>Here he knew what to do, was the person with the control in hands; didn’t have bothersome feelings that made him unsure. The killing high had always restored his confidence in himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The massacre was short-lived. When it was over remaining smoke dragged slowly through the meadows, bloody and burnt corpses with severed limbs painted the green grass red where they laid. A sole Resistance member had survived, shaking and down on his knees, guarded by Stormtroopers, he tried to look everywhere but to Kylo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where are the remaining Resistance bases”, Kylo asked, his voice distorted by the helmet.</p>
<p>“I- I don’t know, really, I don’t! You have to believe me, I was just a running boy, y’know, just delivering some low grade messages, they never told me anything. I- AAURGH!</p>
<p>His cry of pain broke through the silence as Kylo severed his hand cleanly from his arm, as he had raised it to plead with him.<br/>He had no time for lies and excuses.</p>
<p>“Where are the remaining Resistance bases?”, he asked again. The young man whimpered, tears flowing down his face, holding the stump.</p>
<p>“I s-swear I’ll do anything, I'll join the First Order, just p-please let me live”, he cried.</p>
<p>Kylo had enough, this took way too much time.<br/>He penetrated the man’s mind, a high ranking officer as it turned out, and got coordinates to several other Resistance hide outs.</p>
<p>“Not necessary”, Kylo ultimately said and slit the man's throat.</p>
<p>He could still hear the gargling of blood when he walked away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The whole way back he felt uncomfortable. Not because of the killing - it was something else nagging deep inside of him. And with his mind unoccupied it wandered back to Hux. Nothing had changed, so distraction hadn’t worked.<br/>So he got to thinking, as he couldn’t escape it anyway - Hux was obviously plagued by something, something that was keeping him awake. That it hadn’t influenced his work was remarkable and only testimony to what a capable man Hux actually was, Kylo had always deep down known he was a fool for underestimating the ferret. Yes, he was capable. And the fact that he wasn’t able to fix his issue until now led only to one conclusion: he didn’t know himself what was going on and/or simply wasn’t able to solve the problem. <br/>It had to be his Equilibrium - it was known to Force users that an unbalanced Equilibrium caused insomnia. It was a typical sign and that Kylo hadn’t recognized it by now made him mad at himself.<br/>Of course it had to be the Equilibrium. <br/>Did Hux know about it? Likely not, the knowledge about the Equilibrium was usually only taught in the circle of Force users, as an imbalance in their inner self would’ve much graver consequences as in normal people like Hux.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But now that Kylo knew about it, he had to talk to Hux. If someone could help now, then it was Kylo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was already late when he arrived back on the Finalizer and he knew exactly where he was able to find Hux at this time of hour. The walk towards the officer’s lounge seemed long and grueling.<br/>When the door hissed open, the smell of tobacco hit his nose. There, in his usual place, Hux sat with his back turned to him, smoke encircling him. It caught Kylo by surprise; Hux was a man who enjoyed his alcohol, but he hadn’t known he smoked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Glad to have you back, Supreme Leader”, Hux’s voice carried evenly through the empty room, even if it sounded a bit weary.</p>
<p>“I see you haven’t fixed the problem”, obviously, you idiot.</p>
<p>“I have tried”, Hux said, as Kylo got closer, to get a better look at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He definitely had tried, Kylo had no doubt about that. Hux was the person most bothered about the situation and there had been a few days on previous missions where he hadn’t felt Hux’s suffering through the force. If he had to guess, Hux has probably tried medication, but those, to his experience, knocked one out so bad you’d rather go sleepless then to take them. And they wouldn’t really fix anything either, if the root of the problem was of spiritual kind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know”, he responded and sat in the chair next to Hux.</p>
<p>He looked horrible. His foxy hair was disheveled, his pale skin seemed impossibly paler than before, the otherwise pinkish undertone now grey. Dark circles under reddened eyes, cheeks gaunt.<br/>Kylo couldn’t help but comment.</p>
<p>“You look like shit, Hux”<br/>He shouldn’t have said that, he knew.</p>
<p>Hux sighed and closed his eyes.<br/>“Why don’t you mind your own fucking business, Ren”, his tone lacked any real anger.</p>
<p>Yeah, he shouldn’t have said that. But Hux’s answer seemed so blunt too, as if a filter had been removed.<br/>He didn’t know what to say for a while.</p>
<p>“You have changed, Hux”, he said, more to himself than to him.<br/>Hux just snorted.<br/>“So have you”.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Had he changed? Maybe. But the last change had alone been Hux’s fault and of course he had no clue about that. He just sat all night in the officer’s lounge, slowly damaging his liver.<br/>Speaking of that, he had to tell Hux about his new observation. <br/>How to start?</p>
<p>“I know you think it’s the work that’s keeping you awake”, a wild guess on his side, to be fair, “It isn’t”, but on what else would Hux blame it other than work.</p>
<p>“Enlighten me then”, the other man responded, sounding a bit annoyed, but not too averse.</p>
<p>Well, now Kylo had the grueling task of explaining the concept of the Equilibrium to someone that had never heard about it his entire life and was generally more than sceptical in the matters of the Force. Great.</p>
<p>“Your Equilibrium is out of balance”, he began and knew instantly that this wasn’t going the way he wanted to.<br/>Why did it seem that around Hux he couldn’t even think properly anymore? Sentences just slipped out, thoughts were spoken aloud that he never intended to say. <br/>Get a grip, Ren!</p>
<p>“What?”, Hux answered, rightfully confused.</p>
<p>So Kylo explained it to him, in the best ways he could. He inwardly cringed at some points when he noticed that he used the same rhetoric that his Uncle Luke had used back in the day, when he had explained it to a small Ben Solo. Kylo had eradicated everything of his past, but his uncle always had a special way with words that now flowed easily to him when talking about it to Hux. Maybe some things of your past never die.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hux’s facial expressions went from confused, to subtly surprised to annoyed. No, more like tired.<br/>“Well, isn’t that fantastic, my ‘Equilibrium’ is unbalanced”, he stated sarcastically, “And what to do about it?”<br/>Fuck, that was a damn good question Hux was asking. If Kylo really was correct with his hunch and Hux truly was a victim of his own Equilibrium he’d have to tackle it himself; something was causing him pain. For some reason Kylo also knew it had to be something he had carried with him for a long time.<br/>He chose his next words carefully.</p>
<p>“And unbalance is caused by the lack of a particular thing. You had always something in you that was bound to unbalance your Equilibrium. Something that has unbalanced it before and you unconsciously locked deep inside of you, instead of resolving it. It seems like the lock you put on it has a leak”.</p>
<p>He saw green eyes rolling back and Hux extinguishing the cigar. He was in defense mode. But he had to listen, when he wanted this to be solved. And he had to cooperate, otherwise Kylo would never be able to connect cleanly with the Force on this ship.<br/>Hux had not only cursed himself, but also Kylo.</p>
<p>“This isn’t really helping me, Ren, I have better things to do than listen to your-”<br/>Hux was getting up.<br/>No, he had to stay! This was all very frustrating to Ren.<br/>He got up himself and instinctively grabbed Hux’s shoulder.<br/>“Hux wait-”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Suddenly, something strange happened. The world seemed to collapse; Kylo knew what this was, this was just like forcing itself into someone's mind with the Force.<br/>But...he didn’t do this? Or did he?<br/>The world around him was grey, as if a thick mist had surrounded him - he was in Hux’s mind no doubt.<br/>A voice unfamiliar to him, suddenly rang through the empty space, echoing.<br/>He walked towards it, more and more seeing a man in old Imperial uniform with greying red hair kicking something on the ground.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>“You pathetic-”</em><br/>He kicked again. Was that… a child?<br/><em>“Weak-”</em><br/>He seemed to kick harder.<br/>Oh no. Was that…<br/><em>“-stupid boy!”</em><br/>It was. It was Hux. No older than twelve. Red, fiery hair poking between through fingers that desperately tried protecting the head left Ren without the shadow of a doubt.<br/><em>“Dad, please!”</em></p>
<p>Hux’s young voice was drowning in sobs. Then Ren got to see his face. <br/>Bloodied, swollen, blue. Wet spots from the tears that streamed down his cheeks.<br/>A horrible sight to see.</p>
<p><em>“Get up”</em>, the man, Brendol Hux, none other than Armitage’s father, said.<br/>By Force, Ren thought, this kid has likely several rips broken. How is he supposed to get up?</p>
<p><em>“GET UP I SAID”</em><br/>And the young Hux actually tried. It even pained Ren to see how much he fought to get on his knees, in so much pain as anyone beaten green and blue could be.<br/>He definitely understood now, understood why Hux wasn’t sleeping.<br/>If he had memories like this haunting him Ren was surprised Hux even turned out this great.<br/><em>“I can’t”</em>, the poor boy sobbed.<br/>Ren watched Brendol, who just looked in disgust down at his son.<br/><em>“Stupid boy”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>And with that it was over.<br/>In what felt like only seconds he was back in the officers lounge, with one hand still on Hux’s shoulder. Perplex, in shock of what the Force had just triggered.<br/>And suddenly he realized what an incredible invasion of privacy had just occurred. As he looked up, he stared into the face of a horrified Hux.</p>
<p>“Hux”, he tried, but Hux’s green eyes were torn wide open in shock, disgust, shame. Tears streamed down his face.</p>
<p>“Don’t touch me. Stop touching me!”, as he tried to get loose from Ren’s grip, in panic.</p>
<p>He tried to explain, tried to tell Hux that it wasn’t his fault. <br/>“Hux, listen to me-”</p>
<p>“STOP TOUCHING ME”, and everything in Hux’s voice told Kylo how scared he was.</p>
<p>“Hux, listen to me-”, he just wanted to stop those gorgeous eyes from crying.</p>
<p>“Stay away from me”, Hux choked, words carrying raw emotion.<br/>With that he turned and fled the lounge.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This couldn’t have possibly gone worse. Kylo sat in his quarters, staring at the wall, angry about the whole situation, but mostly with the Force that so simply had decided to trigger a memory in Hux that involuntarily was shared with him.<br/>Hux had always been very protective of his mind and his thoughts, Kylo had sensed a certain degree of anxiety in Hux when mind reading through the Force was a theme of their sometimes violent arguments.<br/>With this incident Kylo had no doubt in mind that Hux’s bare minimum of trust he may have had in Kylo was destroyed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But what a violent, traumatic memory it had been. <br/>He hadn’t known much about Brendol Hux before -  an officer that had forged younger officers during the age of the Empire, later one of the first to join the First Order. There had been whispers of him being a ruthless and cruel man, but in an environment like this - who wasn’t? Kylo looked into the files. Brendol Hux had died some six years ago, suddenly and unexpected. Now with the knowledge he had he just knew that it had been the work of his son, Armitage. Who could blame him, really.<br/>That memory, he was sure, wasn’t a single incident. This abuse had carried through all of Hux’s childhood, to form the perfect little First Order officer he went on to be; cold, efficient, emotionless, ruthless. Or perhaps that hadn’t even been the senior Hux’s intention - for some reason the thought of him torturing his own son for no particular reason at all was even worse to Kylo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had never tried to understand what drove then General Hux. He should’ve a long time ago, that man was now his Grand Marshal. But Kylo knew he was a selfish person, that mostly just cared for himself. Hux’s trauma and the disruption it brought to Kylo’s grasp of the Force made him, even forced him to care. To understand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But what he didn’t understand was the strange sub-plot that seemed to run parallel to the main events. The sub-plot being the sudden thoughts that popped into Kylo’s head, involuntarily, whenever he saw Hux in the past months.<br/>It had started so innocent, with him just thinking that Hux was an attractive man.<br/>But it had grown, Kylo realized while staring at the ceiling, to something more. To thinking how gorgeous his eyes were. To being concerned about his well being. To the want of holding him in his arms.<br/>This wasn’t an ordinary crush. This was more. And it had to have a deeper meaning.<br/>Without noticing, Kylo fell asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>A figure stood in a dark room, red lights smoothly flowing around him, illuminating him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kylo drew closer.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Hux’s face turned towards him and in the red light he had never looked more beautiful.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kylo felt the Force pulling him towards him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Hux smirked. “And you still haven’t realized?”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo jumped awake in his dark quarters, disorientated and with a strong feeling of the Force inside him.<br/>And suddenly everything made sense.<br/>Rey never had been his one, his counterpart. <br/>It had always been Armitage Hux.<br/>How had he been so blind?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But he had fucked up. Hux would never want to be with him now, after what had happened. Kylo, for one reason or another, had ruined it all over again.<br/>He had to fix this, somehow. Or his chance to better himself, to be the most powerful man in the galaxy would be gone.<br/>His chance at happiness would be gone.<br/>He had to make it up to Hux. He had to talk to him, tell him how important he was to him.<br/>But he decided to let it rest for a few days and then see if that man even wanted to talk to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A week went by until the unrest in him grew too strong to bear. So he sent Hux a message to meet him in his quarters, with the hopes of him actually coming. And, to his relief, as the time of their meeting came, the door of his quarters chimed.<br/>Hux looked great. He even had put on his greatcoat. But Kylo felt the fear in the other man, fear of humiliation and most of all, the fear of death.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hux-”, he wanted to clear that fear as soon as possible.</p>
<p>“I understand what you have to do”, Hux interrupted him, arms behind his back and head held high, “I only ask you to do it quickly. I may have lost your respect, Ren, but I still have my pride and I don’t want my corpse to be some mangled-”</p>
<p>Oh Force.<br/>“Hux”, he in his turn interrupted the other man, “I didn’t call you here to kill you”<br/>He had always thought that it would be hard for him to kill Hux, but now he was at a point where he deemed it impossible. He could never even hurt the ginger now.</p>
<p>“Well, if not, I’m here to get demoted. I appreciate that you wouldn’t do it in front of all of high command, Ren, but just get it over with already”, it burst out of Hux and the desperation and tiredness that carried with his voice made Kylo’s heart hurt.<br/>He had really fallen in love with this man, huh?</p>
<p>“You’re not here for that either”, Kylo responded. Only moments separated him from telling Hux how much he actually meant to him - it seemed crazy, after all the years of rivalry and hate that had stood between them.<br/>Hux’s face morphed from angry to baffled.</p>
<p>“Then...why am I here?”<br/>To think that he had expected the worst. To think that he had no idea of what Kylo was feeling at this moment. He couldn’t help but stare at Hux, at his flaming hair, the sharp features of his face and the green eyes that always had stared at him in disgust or disagreement, but now seemed confused and lost.<br/>It was a bit too much. He looked down.<br/>Total honesty now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have always admired you, Hux, for everything you were and are. As you are the things I will never be”,he had prepared these words the past week, repeating and rewriting everything constantly in his mind, “Since the first day I saw you, I knew I would hate you because I had to. Because my pride wouldn’t let anything else happen. Everything you had you worked for, my powers were given to me. What I lacked in self control you made up double”</p>
<p>Kylo had never in his life thought he would say the words he was saying now. The vulnerability that came with them scared him. Hux would have a lot of power over him after he was done saying what he was saying.</p>
<p>“The Force is a strange thing. You don’t know what it wants. I was torn between Light and Dark, having studied both, spoken with Jedis and Siths I tried to understand, but there is nothing to understand. The Force is ambiguous - so I chose the Dark, as it had been calling me for a long time”, he saw the relaxed situation as a chance to get closer.</p>
<p>“But history had shown countless times that wielders were even stronger with someone on their side. So I had pursued the scavenger girl in an attempt to win her over as I thought that she was my perfect counterpart, would make me whole, would balance my Equilibrium.<br/>But Exegol showed me that I’ve been chasing the ghost of a feeling, a shadow. She wasn’t what I thought she would be to me. I was frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. So I locked myself into my quarters”, this was it.</p>
<p>Hux’s face mimicked confusion.<br/>“I- I don’t think I know what you’re getting at, Ren”<br/>Ah, this really was scary.</p>
<p>“I’ve been a fool, Armitage,”, be bold, “because the one person I needed to make me stronger, to stabilize my Equilibrium was in front of me all along”, be brave.<br/>Shades of green sparkling.<br/>He knew now.</p>
<p>“You can’t mean-”</p>
<p>“It’s always been you”, it was so amazing to speak it out loud. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If you had asked Kylo what he has said after that, he would say that he didn’t really know.<br/>But as soon as he kissed that angry, cold and ruthless man he knew that this is how it was always meant to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am again very sorry this last chapter has taken so long. This has multiple reasons, but I'll keep it short.</p>
<p>I have had a few very stressfull weeks regarding uni that costed a lot of physical time and emotional energy. It's been rough, to be fair.</p>
<p>Secondly I have been very unsatisfied with this work. I feel like my skills are still lacking and my English skills are still not good enough to publish anything in the quality I want to deliver. I really doubt myself as an author. Because of that I have felt very unmotivated to continue this project. </p>
<p>But I also didn't want to leave anyone hanging, especially the ones that were so nice and left a Kudos or even a comment. I thrive of things like that.</p>
<p>So even if this didn't turn out quite as I hoped it would I still hope you've enjoyed this work.<br/>I'd be very happy over comments. :)</p>
<p>Thank you so much for reading!</p>
<p>Ps: this got a bit sappy in the end because I kinda felt like it heh</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Staying home because of the insane situation we're all in, so I thought might as well do the part two to Equilibrium after some mentioned they would want to read it.<br/>So here is everything through Kylo's perspective, have fun!</p><p>Mentioning again that I don't have a Beta, nor is English my first language, so every mistake is on me.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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